Papa…give me the words to write. May they be a witness and encouragement to others. It’s all about You – nothing about me.
September 11, 2001
America was riveted to televisions and radios after news came that would change our lives forever. We had been attacked on our own soil!! Many who had tuned in after the first plane crashed, watched in horror as a second airliner, full of innocent passengers and jet fuel slammed into the second tower.
Halfway across the country it was a cool fall morning with a clear, deep blue sky. On my way to work, I turned the radio on in time to hear that a plane had just plunged into the World Trade Center…minutes late - a second plane. I was shocked and angered at the senselessness of it all.
I was on my way to MOPS Steering that day...my truck radio was off...it was a rushed morning, it always is... I remember the sky being brilliant blue, beautiful sunshine... I remember my friend jumping out of her vehicle with tears running down her face as she stammered out the news. I thought, surely, this is not happening. For the next few days, it was eerie not to see the white streaks in the blue sky as all the air traffic was grounded.
Less than one month later, on October 8th, our son Jonathan was born. Several days later I had the opportunity to go to a seminar on health. Helen gave her permission and I left for several days.
My mom was visiting us at that time, so there was no reason for Al not to go, and now I am sure that it was in our Father's plans also. But back then, I allowed myself to feel angry and abandoned...without a real reason.
Having been certified in massage therapy and similar modalities of helping people, I thought that this would be some more good information to pass on to my clients. Little did I know that Father was going to change my life. The speaker talked about how our thought lives and spiritual being affects our physical lives. I didn’t think that I had and of the problems that he was talking about – I’ve always been very healthy. Then he began to describe the thoughts from deep inside me. Things I had never even identified. As he continued to address different issues, I began to compile a list of things to deal with. At the end of the weekend, we had an opportunity to do ministry and deal with those issues. I joined up with an older couple and we spent about ten minutes each praying, confessing and repenting of these things. There was no huge revelation, no bolt of lightning right then, but by the time I got home. I had a sense of peace that I had never experienced before.
I walked into my bedroom in the early hours of the morning and my wife instantly knew that something was different.
I remember seeing Alan walk in to the house, and thinking, "He looks ... so different... so free…so confident, I wonder what happened."
The next several months were the most challenging of our marriage. Previously we had been on the same page about everything, now something was happening to me, and I was having a hard time trying to describe it to her.
I saw freedom in Al that was not there before, the strength, a new spark in his eyes. He tried explaining to me what happened during that weekend, but he might as well have been speaking in Chinese, and although I AM bilingual, Chinese is not on my resume. Something was stirring up deep within me, resenting the change... even though he became everything I ever wanted him to be, now it made me angry. Who does he think he is? What in the world is he talking about? Can he just please give me some concrete information, some steps, principles, something? I wanted what he had, yet felt resentful that he so easily got it.
Slowly, as Father worked on me, I was able to share with Helen what I was learning, although it was so difficult to put into words what I was experiencing.
After a couple of months of resentment, my desire for freedom became stronger than the resentment. I sneaked out a book Al brought back from the seminar (it basically explains confession and repentance as main ingredients to deliverance from "issues" of life) and started reading it on my own. What followed, changed our lives forever. I am just so grateful that Al had the patience and the love to stay up with me night after night as we tearfully and prayerfully went through many issues and faced the enemy head on, empowered by what Jesus have done for us on the cross. For it is for freedom that He made us free, yet here I was, a child of God, choosing the bondage of fear, bitterness, self-hatred.... No more.
In May of 2002, we drove down to GA with some friends to hear some more from this ministry. Father in His mercy brought the two of us back to the same page.
Since childhood I had struggled with an addiction to pornography. I used it to facilitate physical habits that go “hand-in-hand” with such material. The enemy held this over me in much shame and condemnation. As a teen, I thought that once I got married, all those issues would be done with. After all, now I would have a wife to fulfill all my “needs”. Well, it doesn’t work that way. I found myself in the same old patterns of destruction. I began to realize that my “needs” weren’t what I thought they were.
For most of my life I had not accepted the person that God had created me to be – in fact, I hated me. Some of the things that went thru my head: “I am such a loser!” “Why even try – I am just going to fail.” “I am nothing, and I will never amount to anything.” I could go on. I didn’t like being around people. I was terrified of getting up in front of a crowd, and don’t even think about asking me to pray in front of other people. I was overly shy, and couldn’t look people in the eyes when I talked to them. Getting up the nerve to talk to Helen on a personal level was torture. “She will reject me.” “She is too good for me.” “She thinks I am an idiot…and I am.” (Notice the common thread running through all these thoughts…..I…Me) Thank God for His grace in giving me enough courage to at least ask – thankfully she said yes……….finally.
Well, that's another story for another time. Maybe it should be our next post. One day we should write a book about it. :-) Back to the issues Al has described...I was struggling with the same thing... hearing the same voice in my head. I distinctly remember the time in Russia, when I was standing in front of the mirror in my room, and thinking, "You are as ugly as ever! I hate you!"-- to my reflection. Although I’d struggled with self-hatred before too, somehow that was a very memorable moment (I was about 17) and after it I was never the same. There was a tension in all of my relationships, and no matter how hard I tried to “accept myself”, it just never worked. The thoughts of condemnation would come back, stronger every time after I would indulge myself in my misery of self-hatred.
My “need” was for love, and although there were many people around me who loved me, I couldn’t accept it, and in fact often rejected it. Hence, my thoughts became self-fulfilling prophecies. My inability to accept love greatly hindered my relationship with my heavenly Father the true source of pure love. My need for love was temporarily satiated by my chemical addiction to self gratification, but that left me tortured by guilt and feeling even worse about myself. That then required to be alleviated….it was a vicious cycle.
In that 10 minutes of prayer and repentance six months prior, I rejected that way of thinking and took authority over that area of my life in the name of Yeshua the Messiah. Being who He is, He delivered me from the strongholds and bondage that held me prisoner for 20+years of my life. Thank you, Papa.
Almost immediately I noticed that the “need” had dissipated if not disappeared completely. While living in the culture we do, it is difficult to avoid things that previously would have caused me much difficulty. But when something slips under the radar, I find that, yes, I see it, but I am not looking at it. Just as Job said – “I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?” 31:1.
It took me a trip to a ministry in GA to be made free from my addiction to self-hatred. After two weeks of teaching and about an hour of personal ministry, when I confessed and repented and was prayed for, and spoken the words of truth over, I walked out of that auditorium a free woman at last. And finally, Al and I were on the same page…again!
For our whole marriage, my wife (and me as well) had wanted me to be the spiritual leader in our family, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t much for praying, especially out loud, and didn’t take an active role in teaching, training and leading my family. She would bring home Bible Study books and encourage me to do them with her, trying to get the ball rolling. Her intentions were good, but in reality it had little positive effect. In fact deep down, I resented the fact that she was so much more spiritual than I was. Oh, I knew the answers in my head, but I had never experienced them in my heart. But that all started to change. God’s word became alive. I poured myself into it and it into me. Things became real - I experienced them for myself. It started to become heart understanding instead of head knowledge.
I just think it's so funny, that I knew in my head that I wanted my husband to be in agreement with Father's design -- king and priest of the household. And yet, instead of releasing him into that role, I manipulated him instead. Now, to be fair, I never saw it that way. I thought, well, he just needs a little push here and there. So, I'll "help him out." Yet, I watched how instead it turned him off and forced him to retreat away from me.
It does take two. It takes him to lead and me to follow. Now, I am no doormat, don't get me wrong. Our decisions are made in togetherness and after long consideration and prayer. It is so exciting to be on the other side of this experience and live in the freedom that God has designed for us to have when we fulfill the roles He prescribes for us: the head of every woman is the man, the head of every man is Christ, the head of Christ is the Father. Such a huge burden was off my shoulders... a burden I was never intended to bear. The experience can be equaled to that of jumping of a cliff without any support or parachute, or a promise of a soft landing, hoping that somehow…somebody…somewhere will catch me... And guess what? Father does. He caught me in His arms and did not allowed me to fall and be crushed. Instead, I get to walk in freedom.
Has it been a walk in the park? No! Especially on this deployment. Pornography is prevalent, and the temptation to look is higher than ever, but the “need” to fulfill is not there.
Yes, this deployment is something else. It has brought out so many more "exciting" things to deal with. One of them for me, was idolatry. It seems that I constantly elevate a human into a position that only my Heavenly Father should occupy. But that's probably another story for another time.
We would love to hear your comments and questions – please feel free to contact us. Share what Father is doing in you life.
